Jennifer Lee Photography

If you knew that you would die today
If you saw the face of God and Love
Would you change?
Would you change?
Tracy Chapman
A year ago I was at work seeing clients, doing all that mundane/ just another day stuff when an email took my breath away. Jen had passed. Despite knowing she was so ill for so long, I was speechless. I sat staring at a photo of her on my screen and studied her smile but couldn’t smile. Two days later, I kneeled next to a friend and stared at another screen broadcasting Jen’s memorial. You see there wasn’t room left in the main area of the funeral chapel. I wrote a post trying to make some sense of things, vowing to carry on more Jen-like.
Am I fearless?
Jen’s platform was fearlessness and she embodied it. In May, I was running in a race. Iit didn’t go well and knew I could do better. After discussing how things went with a running coach I work with,  it seemed that as fatigue set in, I grew concerned. As my body started to ache, I pulled back. He corrected me and said that part of racing was noting the pain and pushing through it. For him, he assumed that the last half of any race wouldn’t be fun. I have a Scott Jurek shirt that says, “pain only hurts” it reminds me of this. This isn’t about masochism but noting the challenge and persisting anyway. Work in progress.
Am I enjoying the silliness?
Jen was the first person to spot my name in In Style, Life and Style or any other magazine. We joked she was my PR person. Jen was silly; if you didn’t know her you can see it in her videos. On Wednesday, her best friend organized a movie night. A bunch of us went to see Magic Mike. The movie was terrible, except for some eye candy, but after some crazy rain and hail, it seemed to honor Jen. I can be serious at times. I am a natural over thinker, silly is important. Silly is a pain reliever.
Am I supporting Cycle?
Cycle for Survival was Jen’s baby. It was just so fitting that Jen’s journey wasn’t just about Jen. It seems every week we hear of someone we know being diagnosed with some sort of cancer or having some sort of surgery or treatment. Monday, on my way to work, with Jen’s “anniversary” looming I received another email; the dates for Cycle 2013 were announced. Many members of our Foodtrainers team emailed immediately “I’m in”. Last year, we did a dance video for every thousand dollars we raised, what will we do this year?
I don’t know if it’s possible to live each day as if it was your last. I know I need reminders. I need reminders to see beyond myself and my stressors, I need reminders to be fearless (or less fearful) and I need reminders to be silly. It would be so much easier if my teacher was still here. 
Do you? Where do you find yourself fearful? Are you more inclined naturally to be silly or serious? If you knew that you would die today, would you change?

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