“You’re so fat, you must eat a lot.” Are you cringing? You might be because nobody with a speck of sensitivity would every utter those words. On Friday I read a post on Erica Sara’s blog that got me thinking. Erica wrote about a recent experience that was rather hurtful. Someone said something to her about her eating and her size. This person didn’t know Erica personally. They didn’t know about Erica’s marathon running or her cooking. They didn’t know that she practices yoga. They probably didn’t know how much their words would sting. They might have thought the rules were different because Erica is a thin person. Somehow, “you’re so thin, you must not eat” is acceptable. Why is this?
I see nutrition clients all week long at my NYC office. Oftentimes, in initial sessions with new clients I’ll hear “you don’t have to think about this because you’re thin.” Or “it must be nice you don’t have to workout.” Or my favorite, similar to Erica’s experience “do you eat?” I know full well these clients wouldn’t probe similarly with a doctor or therapist or other professional who was heavy. Over the years, I have grown thick-skinned to these types of questions. I used to feel embarrassed and utter some incoherent, self-deprecating reply. Now, I generally say something like “I practice what I preach” or “I work hard to stay in shape” which generally reassures them. I am less offended by comments about my size than the insinuation that there’s no work involved. I think there’s a way to be curious about someone’s size without being critical. “What do you do for exercise?” Or, “do you watch what you eat?” are better ways of saying the same thing.
It’s unfortunate but we all size people up. We look. We look when someone’s very heavy and we look when they’re too bony and we look at people somewhere in the middle. I know full well from what I do that you can’t judge someone’s success or peace of mind by their weight and that feeling good in your skin doesn’t have a size. I also feel it’s probably harder to walk in an obese person’s shoes than in my shoes. Overweight people are the subject of more ridicule than thinner people. I just don’t think it’s ok to be mean.
Why do you think sizist comments are more acceptable when the recipient is thin? Why do you think people make comments like the one that hurt Erica? Has anyone said anything inappropriate to you about your size? Is it ever appropriate to say anything?
P.S. Not only was Erica the author of our Pot of the Week post, she makes amazing jewelry including my “race bling” marathon necklace.
I think we are all being somewhat conditioned to scrutinize one another and we all need to work very hard to not do so. With magazines constantly swinging from praise to punishment against celebrities for their figures, it starts to become natural for us to do it (to each other) in real life. I even caught myself last night, watching the Oscars, saying, "ew, she is way too skinny…" or "OMG look at how much weight SHE lost!" and then thinking, even though I know better, "I wonder how hungry all these ladies are right now?" I was doing the same thing! Shame on me! I am sure that most of those celebs worked their batooties off to look the way they looked Oscar night…I wasn't being nice. I remember when I was really lean and people always said, "Cameo doesn't eat." I wanted to scream – "I DO eat, I just don't eat the crap that you guys eat you effing losers!" But I did not. Now I have put on weight and people seem to think it is OK to comment on my boobs – "OMG, you are huge!" It just isn't polite on either side of the spectrum.
I swear, I JUST FINISHED a post about the same topic!! I write some posts ahead of time, and this is one of them (to be posted in a couple weeks). I am so sick of people telling me "you're so skinny! what the heck do you eat?!" or the other, "You're so skinny! You must be able to eat whatever you want!". Ugh, they are both truly annoying and I am sick of it. I can't wait to post my thoughts and see what people say. I'll have to come back and read some of these comments as well…
Cameo, the celeb angle is interesting. I am not sure I feel it's a level playing field since they flaunt bodies/weight loss and generally want the press (generalizing). I too watched the Oscars and made my comments, mostly about clothes but not completely so. Gina, it's a bit of a double standard. Perhaps people think "skinny" is a compliment regardless of the other words used. I would read erica's post too as a very "candid" account. Link to Foodtrainers when you post would be nice to have everyone a little more sensitive.
Staying "trim" is a constant battle for me, because I love to eat. I am constantly practicing mindful eating strategies otherwise I'd overdo it for sure. But one of the most hurtful comments I receive are often meant as compliments. "You look so great! Have you lost weight?" I absolutely hate that weight loss is something to comment on. I hate that I instantly think, "Well, I must have really looked fat before, " or that weight is even an issue to comment on. How about the radiant glow I have from a week of eating clean foods and detoxifying yoga. What about the shoulder muscles I'm sporting from upping my weights in Body Pump? Why do we have to comment on weight? I'm done ranting. Thanks for bringing this up, Lauren!
omg, thank you for this post! I get a lot of comments from family and friends about the way I eat, how I look, when/what I do for exercise. GRanted, this is the profession I chose, but like you said, I'm not just "thin." I work really hard to be healthy and FIT!! I stay thin because I eat healthy and work out regularly. Ug. People always think it's so easy. I might have to write a post about this myself!
I read Erica's post last week and I am glad you followed up with a post as well. I too have received the same comments from clients as you, Lauren, and it is always an awkward moment I try to quickly get out of. I get really mad when people ask if I eat or assume it is easy for me to be fit. I don't know why people feel like it is ok to comment on a thin person's body b/c it is just as intrusive and uncomfortable as it would be for anyone else. I tend to think anyone making these comments must be insecure and preoccupied with their own body issues. It is just a shame they need to project them onto others.
another great post as long as RD's don't say silly things we will be ok
When I hear someone comment on another persons weight, whether it is to their face or not, it usually has to do with that persons feelings about themselves. Nobody can know how hard a person is working to stay thin or not, or what else they may be dealing with in their lives that is influencing their diet and physical activity. We all know that weight is a sensitive subject no matter what end of the spectrum you are on, and if you aren't sure that what you are saying is helpful or constructive, there is a fine line for insulting. Although the person who said that to Erica may have seen it as a backwards compliment, it's never right to assume something about a person you don't know much about.
I'm surprised that you think that people don't comment about fat people eating too much. My clients, many of whom struggle with their weight, are on the receiving end of hurtful, insensivive and frankly offensive comments about their weight all the time. Commenting about weight and what people eat is not ok, I agree with you on that, but it goes both ways, for sure.
Interesting Sophie, I do think people say things to fat people but I would really guess less often (that they verbalize their feelings). I think there's more of an openness saying things to think people because it's not necessarily seen as equally mean. As I said, I think overall to be in this world thin is easier than heavy. Insensitivity is insensitivity no matter the size. Jut trying to raise awareness of something that can be hurtful and maybe not meant that way. Thanks for commenting.
It's interesting how we've been trained to think about how food either puts weight on or it doesn't.
We see a "thin" person and assume that they are "healthy" and an obese person and assume they aren't healthy.
It's like seeing a car with a great paint job, then you lift up the hood and all the parts are broken. Can't let the exterior fool you.
Is there a correlation between the two, I believe so, but they aren't direct.
What a great post topic. I have had a similar experience as you with a client about my weight. I tried to say something similar about practicing what I preach.
I think thin comments don't get as much criticism as fat comments would..but they should.
A year ago, I decided to make a change in my life. So, we did a major food makeover in our house, and it resulted in being more healthy, losing weight and totally new approach to our food intake.
Last month, I was attending a trade show, and a former colleague who I had not seen in about 2 years said to me, "OMG look at you — what did you lose 100 pounds or something like that? You look amazing. I wonder how people like you lose so much weight – what is your secret?"
So, the comments can go either way and make someone uncomfortable. She was stupid and was too clueless to realize what she said — but I can tell you I sure didn't forget it.
It's just simply not ok to make comments about a person's weight or how they got there. Just not ok and too loaded with potential to offend. We rarely know how or why a person got to their current weight — skinny or fat, a person's journey with their body and weight is very intimate and not for a random person to comment upon. If you praise someone for being really thin, are you inadvertently praising their disordered eating? (That was an issue we just discussed in a faculty meeting.) If you snark on someone's fat, are you actually commenting on weight gain due to medication? Too loaded to touch.
Very interesting topic. I always feel so awkward when someone makes a comment to me like that. I usually tell them that I do work hard to be healthy and that I can't eat whatever I want (I gained 15 pounds my first semester of college trying that experiment).
Mike, I agree there's too much judging a book by its cover when it comes to people. Kristen it does seem that thin comments (though wrong) are more accepted or not discussed and criticized. Alysa- most people can't eat whatever they want/wherever they want. Branson, saw your comment before removal. A "real" woman can be skinny or heavy and certainly shouldn't be equated with curves, good one.
I have actually never had anyone make such a comment to me. I have however always fallen toward the higher end of the healthy weight spectrum. (I remember my pediatrician telling my mother this when I was little!)
You raise a great point about the fact that judging anyone's habits by their body weight can be false. And commenting on it can be hurtful!
Lauren, thanks for continuing this conversation. I think everyone's comments on both of our posts have valid points and have learned a lot by reading them. I guess sometimes I just wish that people focused less on appearance and weight, whether one is thin or not, and more on who someone is as a person and what they bring to the world.
Very very sorry, but I just want to say a big "woe is I" to you both. I would KILL for someone to question if I have been eating enough. I really would! And because I am one of those "middle of the road" girls and most likely always will be, I have SUCH a hard time believing that there isn't just I tiny little kick you get out of people asking if you have eaten enough… I do not think it is polite for people to talk about anyone's physique, and Erica, the person who commented about your physique was just plain mean! I just had to chip in with my point of view here–if anyone said to my face OR behind my back that I looked "too skinny" I would think to myself "JOB WELL DONE" and I just have a really hard time believing that no one else is in my boat.
OMG Carrie, Erica and I had mentioned we were waiting for the puleez spare me comment and here it is. To be honest, since I'm not one of those scary skinny people I don't mind anyone calling me skinny or thin etc. I do take offense when people comment on my behaviors. Part of it has to do with my profession and part of it is that I spend lots of time working at this. I have never been called "too skinny". I think a lot has to do with your goal. If my goal is to look fit and lean, someone saying this would be interpreted as positive. If your goal is to be skinny, you'll enjoy that feedback. I hear you though, appreciate the honesty.
Some people even believe THIN equals SEXY! Healthy and fit is my goal too.
Angie
People say this to me all the time because I am thin. It used to bother me but really I think I'm kind of over it now because I know that most people don't mean the comment in the harsh way they deliver it.
I try to avoid speaking to anyone on the topic of weight – it's so much safer that way!
for some strange reason, my whole life long people have ALWAYS noticed and commented on my weight, which is extra weird considering i'm not particularly skinny nor am i overweight. (i'm 5'7" and a size 7. doesn't really stand out.)
maybe some people think it's okay to comment on a thin person because they assume it's a compliment, but really, unless you know the person EXTREMELY well, and you know how they're going to take it, it's best not to say anything at all. on a side note, it's rather unfortunate that weight is such a touchy subject in itself.
Agree, agree, agree! I have had this problem so many times. I work my tushie off to stay in shape and eat right. I eat, just that I eat RIGHT. I don't know why people, especially strangers think it's okay to make comments about how thin you are. I try to take it as a compliment as best I can and simply tell them, yep, Good diet and exercise.
I was once chubby and I have lost weight after college when I had my first job. My friends from high school and college are all shocked to see me in my current size thinking that I was chubby before. I think this situation is even more embarrassing especially when you're at public places and you meet some old friends then the first thing they'll say is that you lost weight! Its like you did some miracle or you did something illegal. Well, maybe its just me but I really feel embarrassed about it. lol
~Tifanny