I have an acquaintance who, in the past couple of years, has completely revamped her eating and exercise routine and become very interested in nutrition. She sent me the query below in an email.
I am very aware of what people eat around me, especially my family members. I find myself critiquing their poor habits. This is obviously out of love because I want them to live the healthiest lives they can so when my dad reached for the fifth biscotti on the dinner table I moved the plate away. You can only live your own life but is there ever a time where you feel it is important to step in to help? Some may argue it is none of your business but I see it as an obligation at times. I would be interested to know your opinion.
I’ll call this person B.R. (for biscotti remover). I can’t imagine why but she asked to remain anonymous.
BR, as strange as this is going to sound I am not that aware of what people eat around me. With my line of work, I’m aware people expect me to be aware of their eating and in response to that I almost tune out. I don’t want my friends to feel as though they are getting graded based on their menu selections or portion sizes. The truth is, I don’t need to have to say too much because inevitably someone will say something to the effect of “how bad is this?” usually while pointing to something on their plate that they have every intention of eating. Or, they’ll ask about a supplement they are taking or their current workouts. I do not offer advice unless asked and even then I know people still don’t necessarily want the bitter truth.
My feeling is that if someone is in my office, on some level they want my honest two cents about what they’re eating and how they can vary or improve it. I have a friend who’s a facialist and another a dermatologist. I wouldn’t respond well if they lectured me about sunblock outside their offices unless, of course, I inquired. One post I read contained a list of reasons not to offer unsolicited advice of any type. I was drawn to this item “people don’t value advice unless they seek it out. And even then, they don’t really value advice all that much unless they PAY for it.”
Having said all this, if I were to put an asterisk after “do not provide nutrition advice unless asked”. Next to the asterisk it would say *except when it comes to family members. There’s a comfort level with family members and with that comes an ability to say things you might not ever utter to friends or coworkers. I have found “shoulds” are better received than “shouldn’ts” and when you can praise instead of pontificate. It’s better to suggest to my mother she should consider organic produce versus saying is shouldn’t pour an inch of olive oil in the sauté’ pan. And just because it’s easier to advise family members, I don’t know if it’s all that effective. My family doesn’t necessarily heed my advice. I have never heard “that’s a good point.” Or, “you’re right maybe I’ve had enough.”
B. R. I have to say some of what you describe reminds me of me when I first started studying nutrition. I was busting at the seams with my new knowledge. I wanted to cook healthy food, eat as well as I possibly could, take vitamins and hydrate. It was unfathomable that others didn’t share my enthusiasm or foodcentric viewpoint. My healthy bubble burst rather quickly and I learned to share less and less. It’s not the information people need by also the intention to change. I knew my stuff and didn’t need to force it down anyone’s throat, there’s not always room with 5 biscotti in there.
Is it ever appropriate to give unsolicited nutrition advice? Is it acceptable when it comes to family? What’s the worst unsolicited advice you’ve ever received? Do you think a blog is sort of unsolicited advice? Hmn.
I definitely think unsolicited advice is a tricky subject. I feel as though unsolicited advise would be more appreciated if the relationship with the person (to whom you are either giving or from whom you're receiving) is solid and open and accepting. I also believe the person giving the advice needs to be some sort of "expert" or well-versed in the topic. If these two stars align, then everyone will walk away from the conversation satisfied. However, I've experienced that this is very rare… often times people give unsolicited advice for the wrong reasons. Sometimes it's jealousy, sometimes it's insecurity, often times it's misrepresented from both sides. I'd stick to solicited advised through payment : )
I do agree advice can come from a bad place. And I think you hit the nail on the head there has to be some degree of openness, otherwise it's useless. I've learned people can even pay for advice and not be open to it.
Normally I hate getting unsolicited advice – it depends on the topic and who it's coming from, but I often find it really offensive, *especially* when it's not someone who has training in the subject. If my mom – who I am extremely close with – give me nutrition advice, for example, it makes me crazy (she's tried about every diet in the world but doesn't have training in nutrition at all; every time she loses two pounds on a new diet she calls to tell me I should do what she's doing – ugh!).
I've struggled with the idea of giving unsolicited advice myself, though – I'm a speech pathologist and a friend commented recently that his child was very late in speaking (almost a year late) and the pediatrician was telling them to wait till preschool (another year) to look into getting an evaluation. Made my blood boil, but I ended up gently saying something along the lines of, "I know he said to wait, but it sounds like you're uneasy so I'd be happy to refer you to someone if you'd like to do an evaluation." Turned out that he'd forgotten I'm a speech pathologist (I went back to grad school again for something else a few years ago; keeping up my speech license, though) and was grateful for the offer. But I grappled with whether to say anything, whether to "butt in," and ultimately decided that I'd find a way to offer a way of getting more information rather than just push anything on him. It ended up working well (and yes, they're getting an evaluation soon).
And meanwhile, the blog isn't exactly unsolicited advice… we all clicked here because we wanted to read it, didn't we? 🙂
Thanks Jill. I think mother to child is one of the most tricky advice situations particularly mother to daughter (I have boys, yes!). I think you gave perfect examples of how it's easier to give advice to family members but not always easy to receive it. This seemed different from your professional example. Perhaps the degree makes a difference even if advice is unsolicited. Thanks for your comment about the blog. I know people click over they just don't always know what they're in for, ha.
Haha, true! I come here because you have interesting things to say and I value your opinion 🙂
I think the degree/expertise makes all the difference… Sort of seems to hold more credence when your knowledge is broader than just your own experience – maybe people think it's less of "personal" somehow.
Totally agree on the mother/daughter dynamic, though – so sticky!
I can't think of many situations where unsolicited advice is well received. I work as a private school college counselor, and the students I work w/ are bombarded by well-meaning and unrequested advice throughout junior and senior year. Those words, no matter how well intentioned or even valid, are the ones most ignored by the kids. They question the validity of the speaker (just because you went to college doesn't mean you know anything about the process today), the intention of the speaker (are you suggesting that college only because you went there) and the underlying motivation of the speaker (are you giving me advice because you don't want me to fare well as competition to your child). I agree w/ the kids in this situation and encourage them to end the conversation with the advice-giver.
Even when it comes to family members, I don't give them advice about my professional word unless they ask. Most do, and if they don't ask, I offer my help. But it's simply not my place to counsel if I'm not asked.
Finally, I would never give unsolicited advice about anything unless I was a professional expert in the field. I have one family member who constantly complains about not knowing how to eat well. I could tell her everything Lauren has taught me, but instead I send her Lauren's blog posts. Gets the family member to an expert in the field, and then I know we can talk about the blog posts later.
Marie- I love the idea of presenting expert opinion. It makes things less personal while still providing help. A little passive aggressive too.
I personally don't like receiving unsolicited advice. This is sort of a timely post for me because I just got back from visiting my parents who eat very differently from me and I found myself critiquing so much. Not the best thing to do, I soon realized! They have a choice and the right to eat whatever they want. I also felt that because they had not asked me the advise by words were just going in one ear and out the other. They were not interested! So I stopped.
I don't think blogs are a form of unsolicited advice because people are actually coming to read your blog. If they are not interested then they will not be reading. Also, you are not personally attacking someone's lifestyle choices-you are broadly generalizing, which makes it different, in my opinion.
I love the way you put that..not information but the intention to change. My dad is constantly on me about giving my sister nutrition guidance. But I know she's not ready to make changes. In the past, she has asked me questions etc. I figure when she is ready. She is very sensitive about her weight so I don't want to be the one to hurt her feelings by pointing something out to her.
I'm just like you Lauren, when it comes to giving out unsolicited nutrition advice {usually!}. With family, I will share information, especially with my kids and husband. If my parents ask me for advice, I will give it to them, but I don't usually comment on what they eat if they don't ask. With friends, I never give out unsolicited advice, but am happy to educate them if asked 🙂 The exception to this is when I hear a friend saying that something like spelt is allowable on a gluten-free diet "cringe!". Then I {politely} inform them that {said food} is not gluten-free.
EA, the best is when someone gives us unsolicited nutrition advice. Like your 'cringe" moment, I was at one of the food cart's in Central Park. This one is run by a fantastic, healthy restaurant and I asked if the iced tea was sweetened. The employee said "yes, but with agave which doesn't really count because it's healthy." I said nothing. I didn't want to get into it. In retrospect that may have been a good place for advising. Kristen, it's so tough with parents and children. What's best to say or not say and what they/we end up doing is often different. Readiness is key. Sam- personal vrs general. It's almost what Marie said about forwarding expert opinion If you're giving advice without the critique it may be received more positively.
I too have shared less and less over the years. I've realized that giving nutrition advice when it is not wanted is a waste of time and energy.
The hardest thing for me not to comment on just as you mentioned above is when people say something is sugar free if it contains a "healthy.in.their.viewpoint" sugar.
I'm so glad you posted this. I too have been feeling the tension of biting my lip with unsolicited nutrition advice. I've gained a new and healthy lifestyle that's resulted in losing almost fifty lbs thus far. I have about 15-20 more to go. I've really taken a lot of energy to encourage people to do the same. The other day I was on the phone with a friend of mine that is about 100lbs overweight. She just started going to the gym after a long time of inactivity. I'm so proud. Anyhow in our conversation she was talking about the margaritas, loaded ice cream, and onion rings that she was having that night. I cringed and bit my lip. Thankfully. Anyhow about three days later she tested me that she had dropped nine lbs that week! It was a great reminder that everyone starts somewhere and that's super important. I wasn't eating high protein, low gluten, low to no red meat and exercising an average of five times a wk out of the gate. Just like her I have more to learn and more to conquer, but I find its best not to steal the gift of discovery and lessons learned by giving unsolicited advice. Had I given her my thoughts about her food that day, I could have very well sucked her new found motivation from her.
Interesting insight. We all have different standards, metabolisms and goals. I posted what I ate in a typical day and a reader said it was "unappealing". You're absolutely right, sometimes it best to say nothing. Great job with all your healthy changes and thanks for the visit.
I find it helpful to remember that not everyone can follow the same advice. What you consider healthy eating is not what someone else considers healthy eating (Atkins vs Weight Watchers, Paleo vs Raw Food) and not everyone can eat the same foods.. Eggs might be healthy for one person, but a severe allergen for another, etc
However I think we all agree that five biscotti are most likely unhealthy, but it might be that the person "saved up" to have the biscotti (or the meal in general, etc) unless you KNOW what is going on, you can't KNOW what the person is doing, if it is a splurge or a way of life..
I actually like some advice—unless it's Controlling or Constant. Just little steps of info with a wide open door for me to walk that way or the other is helpful.
On a non-nutrition subject, I once remember a friend advising me to go to a family visitation the night before a funeral for a friend's mother. I'd just returned from studying overseas and had plans for the evening that did not include the visitation. I thought it was enough to go only to the funeral the next day. This, however, was a close friend. Turned out she did need me both times, and I look back on that as a moment I leaped in maturity. I'm grateful for the advising friend who had the courage to show me my blind spot. Although, if she had strong-armed me, I doubt I would have gone.
I imagine this ties in with why I like your blog. Good, sound advice I know I need.
Amy, I think when it comes to non-food advice sometimes we need a friend to call us on things. We all have blind spots and a well-meaning friend can "right" us as needed. I am not averse to advice when I am the receiver.
At one time, I went the route of offering unsolicited advice to my family but I realized that it built walls between us. Everyone enjoys themselves a lot more when they are free to be who they are. If, however, they ask my opinions, I love to share! But on a daily basis, I just set an example and try to meet them where they are. For example, if we're out to dinner and they want a big gooey dessert (or biscotti), I let them live a little and say nothing. But when they're in my home, I offer a healthy, delicious dessert alternative. They are always impressed and pleasantly surprised and it sparks a great conversation. Over time, they have become more aware of what they eat and have started to make healthier choices without me shoving my beliefs down their throat.
I try not to give nutrition advice unless asked, and even then with a caveat (I am not a nutritionist but…) As for my bf of 9 years, I pretty much tell him what to eat and he listens but I would never tell my brother (who lives with us) what to eat. He would resent it. There's definitely a certain level of familiarity that needs to be there with unsolicited advice.
And I agree, people like to pay for advice. We are weird like that.
Unsolicited advice is just not cool. I think living by example and inviting conversation is the way to go about it. When someone wants the advice, they will ask for it and can open up a great dialogue. Harping on how someone eats is likely to drive them to McDonalds.
most of the time unsolicited advice is not welcome because people tend to get offended unless you are very close to that person.
I would only give advice if asked for it 🙂
I had to counsel moms that did NOT want nutrition advice or to talk about their childrens eating habits or lack-there-of. It was so hard giving advice when it was not only un-solicited but unwanted! oh gosh… and now when i watch a family member do some pretty sketchball things i cant STOP myself from butting in b/c it was my job for so long. Though I know its probably best to behave until questions are asked. oh boy.
ooh! so get this!
I met a girl who WANTED nutrition adivce. when i would answer her questions she would say "no… i dont think so. that doesnt sound right. i think you're wrong" and other such remarks. can we say OWCH!? and she was not right 😉
end of rant. much love for my nutrition buddy! MWAH!!!!
Unsolicited advice is a tough topic. I'll come at this from 2 different angles.
1) as a trainer, I've learned that no one wants unsolicited advice. It tends to make people angry. That being said, it's difficult to watch people exercise incorrectly. Knowing the short and long term damage they are doing to themselves with no desire to do things properly is difficult to deal with. Avoiding or dealing with things such as shoulder or low back pain is much easier than people think and often comes down to basic posture issues.
Parent to child is tough, but even tougher (I think) is child to parent. With friends, I won't offer unsolicited advice, but I will offer to help them ("Would you like some advice from a professional?")
2) As someone who does animal rescue/fostering, I have a passion for helping people and their animals have good lives. If you're adopting one of my dogs, you'd better be prepared to get unsolicited advice and you'd better be prepared to follow through, otherwise I'm taking my dog back. I give the advice b/c the dog has been living with me for anywhere from 3 weeks to 3 months (my current foster). I know the dog's personality, I know the dog's reactions, I know their demeanor. I will be telling you what to do to successfully bring this animal into your home with the least amount of problems. I'll be giving you tricks to help both parties (the humans and the dog) feel comfortable with this transition.
oh ya, you can't tell your spouse anything either 🙂
Interesting pont Micah, if there's a 3rd party involved (animal or person) may be easier to give advice on as an advocate for that person, animal or thing. "You want some advice" is also a good way to gauge people's openness although would someone say "no"?
I used to be a huge distributor of unsolicited advice, until the glorious day that people don't listen, because they're not ready to change. You can't make someone want to change. You can only make them annoyed. The only, only person I still occasionally nag is my mother, to quit smoking. The argument goes like this…you can't smoke just because you want to. I have an interest in your quitting smoking because I don't want to take care of you when you get sick and I want you to be around as long as possible. I still don't know if that gives me the right to tell her what to do (it has NEVER worked), but I wish people could realize that their personal destructive behaviors had consequences for other people.
I have a friend who constantly analyzes the calories in every bite she eats. I find it not only really annoying, but unhealthy. I love to eat, and luckily, I love to eat healthy and real good. I find that picking your meals apart ruins the experience and makes it about guilt, or good & bad foods. So, as much as I like to think I know a thing or two about healthy eating & nutrition, I will never comment on what someone is eating unless they ask me a question. In most cases, it's just plain rude. If I'm concerned about a friend's eating habits,whether I think they are over or under-eating, I will approach them at a different time and ask if I can talk to them about something on my mind, out of concern.
Oops! That was supposed to read "real food", not "real good"!
No, I don't think it's ok. Unless you happen to be that person's mom. There's nothing more frustrating than having someone comment on my food. I consider myself pretty knowledgeable about what I put in my mouth, so when someone tells me that I really shouldn't eat coconut oil, or that fruit is really high in sugar…I stiffen. If I don't like getting unsolicited nutrition advice, then I don't think I should be doling it out. That said, I'm very open to friendly conversations with people who may or may not have the same opinions as me!
Stephanie I think it's dicey even when you are the mom! Moreso. See Jill's comment above.
I LOVE this topic and I'm right there with you lauren! I believe there's a time and a place. I don't offer advice unless asked and I DONT notice people's food choices (at least not on purpose). I don't want to get the reputation of the food nazi and I don't want to nag. Thats why I started my blog. IF you want to read what I think they you have your own free will to do so, if not, but mouth is closed (unless asked and even then I lean on the side of BASIC advice). You're right, unless people are paying, they are very unlikely to DO as you say.
I usually don't like unsolicited advice, nutritional or otherwise. I agree that we have to want the advice in order to use it, and when we give or receive unsolicited advice that's very unlikely. I think it's almost impossible to give advice without coming across as judgmental. Even when it comes to kids, I think being a good example, is a lot better than telling your kids what to eat. I know "nutrition conversations" are necessary once in a while, but overall, your kids pick up soooo much more by watching what you choose to eat than by what you tell them…
I remember when I started studying nutrition I was just like you – ready to tell everyone all of my new knowledge! But, I quickly learned to keep my mouth shut unless asked after it became painfully obvious that my family was annoyed with my bits of advice. I also learned that once you say you are a dietitian, most people around you look down at their plates and then proceed to apologize for what they are eating. I am not judgmental and even though I notice what other people are eating, it is not because I want to critique it, but because I love food! I think one of the hardest parts about becoming a dietitian was to accept that despite my new credentials, my Dad was going to continue to eat pretty much the same way he always had and my sister was going to continue to be upset that I did not correct him. I had to choose between being a daughter and a dietitian. Now, I just wait for him to ask and happily provide the information.
Erin- I never thought of the blog that way but you're right. My opinions are here come visit (or don't). Andrea, I think modeling is one of these least threatening non-verbal ways to give advice. Love "nutrition conversations" yes imperative at times. Allison, agreed. My mother is going to use inches of olive oil and in her eyes her knowledge is more meaningful than my degree anyway.
Thanks for this post Lauren! I'm studying to become a nutritionist right now, and related to your "busting at the seams with info" feeling. I will take your advice, and only share info with people who ask or who subscribe to my blog:)Thanks again!
Good luck to you Lauren. It's a great field. What makes it great and perhaps problematic is that nutrition is everywhere.
Love the name of your blog.
I'm a skeptic about the whole "organic" movement. I am recently trying to educate myself based on the unsolicited advice of a friend who decided to inundate me with information about how much pus was in my milk. I was not thankful for her help. In fact, the situation reminded me of trying to convert people to new religious belief. Those who are seeking change will find it, but those who don't want to change, won't. For my part, I've decided to take a few months to investigate all of this and determine what is useful and workable in our lifestyle. I'm devoting a corner of my blog to figure out if this is a change I want to make, but not because of my friend, necessarily. With that said, I think unsolicited advice and help are a bitter pill. So if you do determine you want to say something, choose only the biggest battle. It's one thing to eat a 5th biscotti and another to, let's say, smoke through a trach . . .
Great post, Lauren. I don't offer unsolicited advice, either. I have also been in many social situations where, even when asked for my advice, I didn't find it appropriate to discuss the issue at hand (example: "I'm so happy on the HGC diet! What do you think of it?") I don't think a dinner with friends and/or acquaintances is the place to discuss such things.
More and more, I think nutrition is right up there with politics & religion in the list of things it's best not to bring up unless you really know your audience.
I've also found that most people who "want to know something" already have their minds made up. Someone once asked me "is it true that soy gives men boobs?" When I replied, the answer I got from said person was "Yeah, well, my trainer said it does, so I don't eat it anymore." Okay, then…